BIG BEN!!!!!!11

Flying The Flag

When the day comes, we're going to need an island. An island, some guns and lots of stuff made by Haribo. In fact, forget the guns, just double up on the Tangfastics, ok?

If you're cool, and YOU'RE NOT MAD OR ANYTHING then you can come live on the island too, yeah?

It's gonna be called Compact Cassette Island, and I've not bought it yet, or got anything sorted at all, but I am working on the new currency, and of course the flag.

You're only a proper country when you got a flag. This island will be a democracy, so the citizens, you if ya want, get to vote yes or no, and can also contribute flag ideas.

I'm no artist, but I'm very patriotic, ok.

Your thoughts are welcome.

A fresh and unusual compact cassette tape tomorrow - hang on to your hats...

NOTICE HOW IT MAKES YOU FEEL DIZZY?

If you take drugs, you might not have to any more.

We Got Distracted By The Shiny Things

Somewhere along the way, in an era of mullets and dandies making pop music on DX7's, while common people stampeded over each other in the blood-bath, and the blood-letting, of 'Right To Buy', the right to buy their very own piece of social housing from

that "nice Missus Thatcher", somewhere on the way we got distracted. Distracted by something new and shiny; the Compact Disc had landed.

Hosanna; A "lifetime of pure listening enjoyment."

This mysterious flying saucer of sound, offering that "lifetime of purity" took on the overcoat of myth and legend immediately; within seconds of it began, boldly going it took on mythical status, steeped in urban legends...

We, the people, were let in on some of the secrets that Philips and Sony had so diligently been keeping guard over, while trying to keep the spirit of the laser read disc alive.

Philips, and other corporate giants just couldn't understand why we, the people, had not taken to the original laser disc format on which films could be stored.

We now know tha thistory did a 20 year back-flip, and fast-forwarding into the future, we can now see that the people took tothe D.V.D as quickly, and as keenly, as a teenage punk might take to glue.

look - something shiny! >>

It could hold up to 74 minutes of music. Yes, 74 minutes, Sev.Enty.Four feckin minutes' of crystal clear 16 Bit, 44.KHz, digital music, all on one side of the disc...

"Knock at the door, number seventy-four"

No more would we have to suffer the downer of getting up from where we had been sprawled out, tripping our tiny minds inside-out, back to front, to Dark Side Of The Moon no longer did we need to break the flow of the trip by turning the huge black disc over, or the cumbersome, overly weighty eight track cassette cartridge, to continue our bed-sit psychedelic journey. It was now indeed possible to become an

even lazier slacker...

(I replaced my brain with Google,

donchyaknow)

But why 74 Minutes, ffs? It seems such an arbitrary and unimportant number, and at this, this re-dawn, the 'reminder' of the digital era, we were demanding logic. We, the people, had a

right to logic.

"They, the people, are demanding logic", Philips bemoaned. "They seem to think they have a right to know the details, they assume they have a right to knowledge. PAH!".

There was barely a pause, a quick grab for breath and the flood-gates were fully opened: "Well, we're Dutch, and therefore always stoned, so let's just dump this problem on the Japs and have another cookie".

(btw, fyi - other foreigners used the compact cassette as well -

they went global, and soon every car on the planet had a few 'tapes' strewn on the

back-seat, and every room in every house on every continent had at least nine cassette tapes

neatly lined up against the wall; they were in the business of taking over the world - or at least

they damn well could have, if anyone had put any thought into what they were doing.

I know I would have done.)

Now those'Japs' are a pretty bright bunch, and

"Those dopey Europeans obviously have no pride or honour".

The nips smile and lean their heads slightly to one side; "one small challenge and they surrender":

Shaking as they slowly seep out from behind their clogs and clichés...

As fast as lightning we were introduced to, not only the logic behind the peculiar 74 minutes of storage, but a logic that was powered by passion and creativity; the Japanese had stolen the day, once again...

They're fast!

They're god-damn fast, and they're clever. They're fast, they're clever, and they're creative. A formidable combination indeed. Who wouldn't like to be considered Fast, Clever, and Creative. If I could have that inscribed on my headstone, then I would die a very happy man.

"YEAH, this is the reason why we made it 74 minutes"

the proud, ancient and honourable Japanese declared,

followed by a burp.

"Norio Ohga, our old governor, back at SONY HQ, wanted to be able to hear all of Beethoven’s 9th symphony, without interruption.

Beethoven’s 9th symphony (Ode To Joy) should be a tiny bit shy of 74

minutes long. QED the disc must be capable of storing 74 minutes worth of 16 bit and 44.1khz digital audio. Simple really, innit blud?", they say, finishing the sentence with a gentle and graceful bow, then leaving the room backwards, wearing a permanently fixed, yet genuine smile.

Well, that's a melonfarmer of a lie, I'm told:

- Please also note, that the not-so humble compact cassette took no time at all to catch onto, and take advantage of, the "74 minute lie":

"the 74 minute lie"

(see also "the forty-five minutes, WMD lie")

They made that up. It

wasn't a brief display of passion, or a vulcan-esque accidental foray into the world of emotion; it was a stark bollock naked lie. And we, the people, fell for it. So, this is why my mother sleeps with a hammer under her pillow; It's all fitting into place...

And do you know why we were lied to? Could you take a reasonable guess as to why theyturned the lightsout on us? Can you wildly speculate WHY, for the love of all that's good and decent in this

COLD,

MISERABLE,

CRAZY, CRUEL WORLD,

WHY WERE WE LIED TO????

It's simple. There's a simple basic reason why they lied to us; It came naturally, it's like fight or flight, it's what Mama Nature was kindly telling the Japanese to do. It was for our own good, and they were only trying to protect us. They lied because

we couldn't handle the

truth.

The truth could break your heart...

Nah, it's not really. It's just that the troof is just so achingly dull, it'so unbearingly boring, banal and bereft of any heart, any soul, any passion.There's no trace of human emotion, or any proof that we have blood, rather than a silicon based oil product, running through our veins. We can't handle the truth. No, it's not because the very nature of this truth would expand our minds to dangerous limits, and perhaps alter the ground rules of reality itself. The reason for this international cover-up was not due to the notion that we must be protected from powerful information. We are our own worst enemies, and sometimes we need saving from ourselves.

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11 How depressed are you now?

...Meanwhile, on Planet Normal

through the mist of lies, and the confusion of being on the cutting edge, at the white hot centre of technology, while the women dressed to look like fine pastries, and the men wore keyboard ties, the world still heavily relied on the compact cassette. This breeze block of ignored beauty still had plenty of mileage in her, and we were going to do the 1980's with our foot to the floor and peddle to the metal, as we were hurled around (protected by shoulder pads) inside a whirlwind of a decade, filled to the brim of burgundy, choice, competition, and angry jobless people, trapped for ever in the non-society, and the ever-present threat of Mutual Assured Destruction:

M.A.D *sigh*, Oh heady days...

Those times have now gone, and these times are now with us. These are the

facts, and those were our lives. If you look carefully, and with a degree of patience somewhere, could be anywhere, perhaps in a forgotten old locked box, tucked out of the way, covered in cobwebs and books, hidden from curious eyes and ears, you will find, hidden, perhaps between snippets taken from the radio, maybe bookended by the God of the radio, John Peel, on a worn and battered AGFA SUPER COLOR High Dynamic 90

(the AGFA SUPER COLOR 90 DREAM POWER)

some secret recordings of us all: The secret noises that

our souls make. From when we were in a less aggressive age, where the colours are slightly muted, summers last for ever, our nightmares a little less realistic. We dreamt of flying to the stars and sailing the seven seas with nothing but a few bricks of Lego and a head-full of dream power.

It's only the Compact Cassette that's capable of hearing the songs of our souls. They're the recording equivalent of dogs ears and high-pitched whistles. Only a couple of generations have had their souls recorded Benjamin Spock's babies are on tape; we have been framed. Whatever happens to us, we shall always leave magnetic ghosts behind. You know, someday' we even haunt ourselves...

Oh, and if you care, if you actually really care, then here is an explanation as to why the 74 minute maximum playing time existed onthe first Compact Discs.

Read it if you want, but you wont be rushing back to thank me for it.

There it is again>>> SHINY THING!!!!1

Most of those Compact Discs have gone now. The cunning

people sold them, shortly before they became a defunct technology. I know I did, and I knew what I was doing; I was playing the market. Oh Fuck it - I did it because heroin doesn't grow on trees. OK? Happy now? You enjoy that with a "nice Chianti",did ya?

(Yeah, It's not a tree, before you try and be a smart alec, don't try and be clever with me, young fella-me-lad, I can see that expression, and I know what you're thinking. Well, you can just forget it - you hear me?) See, you've riled me know. What with your witty one-liners and that quizzical eyebrow you have, on what seems to be autopilot . Got me back up aint ya, with your questions and demand for explanations, and proof. PROOF ffs! Were Aristotle, Russell, de Pizan, Nietzsche or Icke, et al, ever asked for proof? I think not my cynical friend.

Next week I shall post a video of myself crying hysterically, whilst talking

passionately about vinyl, 'Our Price Records', 60 pence for 20 cigarettes, scrumping,

and space dust.I may also find myself talking about paedophillia , as seen

from the child's view point. I wonder if that last statement has made anybody

slightly nervous. If so, WHO ARE YOU?

CassetteMan, Signing off

(PS: It's CassetteMan who has the voice of a bee)

Optical Illusion

WOW! Just wow. Don't this make your head spin?

GRRRRRR!!!!!!!1 Man Cassette

Aint that nice?

It's the Winfield Alpha Plus 60 - a real man's cassette, a cassette for the alpha male. Only 30 minutes a side though - doesn't last for long, and I'm sure a lot of the ladies will have something to say about that.

URGENT UPDATE: Demagnitize Your Head

There have bean two manee problems at cassette hedqwarterws - too manee cheefs, not enuf injuns. There is onli one (1) Cassette Man, and that iz me.

We have demagnitized our heads, and suggest, most strongly, that yoo do the sayme A-sap.

THIS IS A PUBIC SERVICE ANNOWNCEMENT UPDAYTE

I, that iz 'me', i.e Cassette Man am the onli won. Updates from anyone else will probably be a hacker & will bee punished.

Two make up for all inkonveeniance cawsed I give you too fasinayting cassette tapes. Normol

cervix haz been rezoomed.

Hear I preesent you with the beautiful TDK SA-DELSOL90 (limited edition) & the TOKAIDO FERRO (low noise) C90:

And finally, for today (a day ov mixed eemoschuns four all) that all-impotent demagnitizing reminder, using the all time standard, yet boutifool HAMA Head DEMAGNITIZER 1

Now, go freshen up, demagintze & clean your head and we shall re-group tomorrow, for more compakt cassette fun, fankoo.

Feelin' Guilty

No, it's not a Simon & Garfunkel song. It's what you have done to me.

I am cassette man, and I feel like I've let you down, myself down, and the entire internet down.

I promised a cassette a day, and I didn't deliver. You gotta understand that this responsibility hangs heavy, and that lorazepam and diazepam I ordered from that internet site (which coincidently has gone & 404'd on me) has still not arrived.

I don't know how to make it up to you. If you live locally I could pleasure you sexually, or perhaps entertain you with some of my witty anecdotes about cassette tape usage in the late seventies. I cant turn back time, and I'm unable to right this wrong. But you don't HAVE to make me feel so bad about it, that I end up entertaining thoughts of self-harm. Just get off my back will you? An email flooded in earlier today, and I would go as far to say that it was hate mail, which is a bit strong considering I'm only doing this for other peoples benefit, I could be doing something else with my valuable time. I actually have a dozen blogs on the go, some even more interesting and important than this one. I am constantly giving. I give myself to the world. I am lying on the altar of the cyber highway, a sacrificial offering to the web gods. I bear my soul and give. I ask nothing in return apart from your unconditional love - not much really.

So my day has been ruined because I feel so guilty about letting the twenty first century internet friend bots I have got, lie helpless in their e-urine sodden beds.

So all I can do is offer you some extra cassette tapes for now. If you can think of anything I can do to make it up to you please electronic post me and explai

n how I can make things better; I leave myself open for you (but please don't insert anything

into any orifices I may or may not have thankyoupleaseverymuch). [Unless it's a Thursday, as I usually have a colonic towards the latter part of the week.

Please observe this beautiful collection I have for your delight, enjoyment, and consumption (in no order, explanation to follow). PLEASE LOVE ME OR SOMETHING. Below,a Hi-Fi C90, a Konig 'Tape Path Mirror' (4910), a Galin D90, a Maxel LN C60, a Philips "STUDIO QUALITY" C90 (manufactured in Belgium), an eastern European MK60 (-1d1), an Opus UD90, a Poisk 1 (a very small amount of these actually ever made it to market, btw, fyi) :

The layout of these cassettes

is a complete mess.

This is due to my nerves being shot to pieces after a day of guilt. I hope this doesn't distract from your enjoyment of these pieces of modern art.

The next collection will be layed out in a much more aesthetically pleasing manner. I am sure that my delivery from WebRxMeds will have arrived by then.

My very best wishes, and my most sincere apologies, and cyber huggles for all my internet friend bots. You have always been there for me, and I shall endeavour to always be here for you.

Please don't send me any more hate mail, I live with my mother and she has enough on her plate. If you have to send hate mail, then please include at least one passage about chaining me up to a tree in a see-through plastic mac, in one of London's many pretty and well thought out parks. My associate will be in charge of the next entry, and I'm fairly sure you prefer him to me (he lives with his mother too, but has a scooter and walks with a cane)