We Got Distracted By The Shiny Things

Somewhere along the way, in an era of mullets and dandies making pop music on DX7's, while common people stampeded over each other in the blood-bath, and the blood-letting, of 'Right To Buy', the right to buy their very own piece of social housing from

that "nice Missus Thatcher", somewhere on the way we got distracted. Distracted by something new and shiny; the Compact Disc had landed.

Hosanna; A "lifetime of pure listening enjoyment."

This mysterious flying saucer of sound, offering that "lifetime of purity" took on the overcoat of myth and legend immediately; within seconds of it began, boldly going it took on mythical status, steeped in urban legends...

We, the people, were let in on some of the secrets that Philips and Sony had so diligently been keeping guard over, while trying to keep the spirit of the laser read disc alive.

Philips, and other corporate giants just couldn't understand why we, the people, had not taken to the original laser disc format on which films could be stored.

We now know tha thistory did a 20 year back-flip, and fast-forwarding into the future, we can now see that the people took tothe D.V.D as quickly, and as keenly, as a teenage punk might take to glue.

look - something shiny! >>

It could hold up to 74 minutes of music. Yes, 74 minutes, Sev.Enty.Four feckin minutes' of crystal clear 16 Bit, 44.KHz, digital music, all on one side of the disc...

"Knock at the door, number seventy-four"

No more would we have to suffer the downer of getting up from where we had been sprawled out, tripping our tiny minds inside-out, back to front, to Dark Side Of The Moon no longer did we need to break the flow of the trip by turning the huge black disc over, or the cumbersome, overly weighty eight track cassette cartridge, to continue our bed-sit psychedelic journey. It was now indeed possible to become an

even lazier slacker...

(I replaced my brain with Google,

donchyaknow)

But why 74 Minutes, ffs? It seems such an arbitrary and unimportant number, and at this, this re-dawn, the 'reminder' of the digital era, we were demanding logic. We, the people, had a

right to logic.

"They, the people, are demanding logic", Philips bemoaned. "They seem to think they have a right to know the details, they assume they have a right to knowledge. PAH!".

There was barely a pause, a quick grab for breath and the flood-gates were fully opened: "Well, we're Dutch, and therefore always stoned, so let's just dump this problem on the Japs and have another cookie".

(btw, fyi - other foreigners used the compact cassette as well -

they went global, and soon every car on the planet had a few 'tapes' strewn on the

back-seat, and every room in every house on every continent had at least nine cassette tapes

neatly lined up against the wall; they were in the business of taking over the world - or at least

they damn well could have, if anyone had put any thought into what they were doing.

I know I would have done.)

Now those'Japs' are a pretty bright bunch, and

"Those dopey Europeans obviously have no pride or honour".

The nips smile and lean their heads slightly to one side; "one small challenge and they surrender":

Shaking as they slowly seep out from behind their clogs and clichés...

As fast as lightning we were introduced to, not only the logic behind the peculiar 74 minutes of storage, but a logic that was powered by passion and creativity; the Japanese had stolen the day, once again...

They're fast!

They're god-damn fast, and they're clever. They're fast, they're clever, and they're creative. A formidable combination indeed. Who wouldn't like to be considered Fast, Clever, and Creative. If I could have that inscribed on my headstone, then I would die a very happy man.

"YEAH, this is the reason why we made it 74 minutes"

the proud, ancient and honourable Japanese declared,

followed by a burp.

"Norio Ohga, our old governor, back at SONY HQ, wanted to be able to hear all of Beethoven’s 9th symphony, without interruption.

Beethoven’s 9th symphony (Ode To Joy) should be a tiny bit shy of 74

minutes long. QED the disc must be capable of storing 74 minutes worth of 16 bit and 44.1khz digital audio. Simple really, innit blud?", they say, finishing the sentence with a gentle and graceful bow, then leaving the room backwards, wearing a permanently fixed, yet genuine smile.

Well, that's a melonfarmer of a lie, I'm told:

- Please also note, that the not-so humble compact cassette took no time at all to catch onto, and take advantage of, the "74 minute lie":

"the 74 minute lie"

(see also "the forty-five minutes, WMD lie")

They made that up. It

wasn't a brief display of passion, or a vulcan-esque accidental foray into the world of emotion; it was a stark bollock naked lie. And we, the people, fell for it. So, this is why my mother sleeps with a hammer under her pillow; It's all fitting into place...

And do you know why we were lied to? Could you take a reasonable guess as to why theyturned the lightsout on us? Can you wildly speculate WHY, for the love of all that's good and decent in this

COLD,

MISERABLE,

CRAZY, CRUEL WORLD,

WHY WERE WE LIED TO????

It's simple. There's a simple basic reason why they lied to us; It came naturally, it's like fight or flight, it's what Mama Nature was kindly telling the Japanese to do. It was for our own good, and they were only trying to protect us. They lied because

we couldn't handle the

truth.

The truth could break your heart...

Nah, it's not really. It's just that the troof is just so achingly dull, it'so unbearingly boring, banal and bereft of any heart, any soul, any passion.There's no trace of human emotion, or any proof that we have blood, rather than a silicon based oil product, running through our veins. We can't handle the truth. No, it's not because the very nature of this truth would expand our minds to dangerous limits, and perhaps alter the ground rules of reality itself. The reason for this international cover-up was not due to the notion that we must be protected from powerful information. We are our own worst enemies, and sometimes we need saving from ourselves.

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11 How depressed are you now?

...Meanwhile, on Planet Normal

through the mist of lies, and the confusion of being on the cutting edge, at the white hot centre of technology, while the women dressed to look like fine pastries, and the men wore keyboard ties, the world still heavily relied on the compact cassette. This breeze block of ignored beauty still had plenty of mileage in her, and we were going to do the 1980's with our foot to the floor and peddle to the metal, as we were hurled around (protected by shoulder pads) inside a whirlwind of a decade, filled to the brim of burgundy, choice, competition, and angry jobless people, trapped for ever in the non-society, and the ever-present threat of Mutual Assured Destruction:

M.A.D *sigh*, Oh heady days...

Those times have now gone, and these times are now with us. These are the

facts, and those were our lives. If you look carefully, and with a degree of patience somewhere, could be anywhere, perhaps in a forgotten old locked box, tucked out of the way, covered in cobwebs and books, hidden from curious eyes and ears, you will find, hidden, perhaps between snippets taken from the radio, maybe bookended by the God of the radio, John Peel, on a worn and battered AGFA SUPER COLOR High Dynamic 90

(the AGFA SUPER COLOR 90 DREAM POWER)

some secret recordings of us all: The secret noises that

our souls make. From when we were in a less aggressive age, where the colours are slightly muted, summers last for ever, our nightmares a little less realistic. We dreamt of flying to the stars and sailing the seven seas with nothing but a few bricks of Lego and a head-full of dream power.

It's only the Compact Cassette that's capable of hearing the songs of our souls. They're the recording equivalent of dogs ears and high-pitched whistles. Only a couple of generations have had their souls recorded Benjamin Spock's babies are on tape; we have been framed. Whatever happens to us, we shall always leave magnetic ghosts behind. You know, someday' we even haunt ourselves...

Oh, and if you care, if you actually really care, then here is an explanation as to why the 74 minute maximum playing time existed onthe first Compact Discs.

Read it if you want, but you wont be rushing back to thank me for it.

There it is again>>> SHINY THING!!!!1

Most of those Compact Discs have gone now. The cunning

people sold them, shortly before they became a defunct technology. I know I did, and I knew what I was doing; I was playing the market. Oh Fuck it - I did it because heroin doesn't grow on trees. OK? Happy now? You enjoy that with a "nice Chianti",did ya?

(Yeah, It's not a tree, before you try and be a smart alec, don't try and be clever with me, young fella-me-lad, I can see that expression, and I know what you're thinking. Well, you can just forget it - you hear me?) See, you've riled me know. What with your witty one-liners and that quizzical eyebrow you have, on what seems to be autopilot . Got me back up aint ya, with your questions and demand for explanations, and proof. PROOF ffs! Were Aristotle, Russell, de Pizan, Nietzsche or Icke, et al, ever asked for proof? I think not my cynical friend.

Next week I shall post a video of myself crying hysterically, whilst talking

passionately about vinyl, 'Our Price Records', 60 pence for 20 cigarettes, scrumping,

and space dust.I may also find myself talking about paedophillia , as seen

from the child's view point. I wonder if that last statement has made anybody

slightly nervous. If so, WHO ARE YOU?

CassetteMan, Signing off

(PS: It's CassetteMan who has the voice of a bee)